Update!

so its been about 2 weeks since I have posted anything. I finally got my first cycle yay!! who knew it would hurt me so bad though, meds are not really helping much, but hopefully it will calm down in a few days. We are about 6 weeks away from our transfer and 4 weeks away from the start of the monitoring process. I finally feel like I have something to look forward to. I am praying very hard that this next transfer sticks and that I wont have any more heart ache. I feel like I have been through enough and its my time to get the child I have longed for, for so long. It scars me that there is no guarantee with all of this and at the end of this whole IVF stuff we will end up with nothing and we will have to come up with more money and do all the hard parts again. I guess all I can do at this point is keep my chin up and keep moving forward. I do think all the time, oh I would have been, how ever many weeks along this week and it kinda gets to me, but I know it wasn't my fault and I know I didn't do anything wrong. I just wonder why me, and of course there is no answer for that. It feels good to have the support of all the people I do! It's nice to know we're not alone!

Week two after D and C

This post is going to be short. Not much happened this week. I had a follow up doctors appointment on Thursday 1/17/13. I had an ultrasound done, and everything seems to be going back to "normal." My blood work came back today and I'm at 3.9. If I could write that number so it had more emphasis I would!! How frustrating!!! I have to go back AGAIN next week for another round of blood work because they have to follow it down to 2.9 (which is confirmed) I know before I said I thought it was 2.5 but I was wrong. So yeah a whopping 1 point. But hey, lets look on the bright side, I love the people at the clinic I go to and after next week I wont get to see them until march (I think). These people really care about me and how I'm doing, mentally and physically. They really understand me and what I'm going through.

I have been feeling more like "myself" as of late. I'm still emotional at some points. I really dont want to look a pregnant people, or share in anyone's joy at the moment. That may seem selfish but I can't care about others at this point. I really need to focus on me and getting me back to where I can function in a normal setting with out getting upset with "baby talk." What has happened to me and many other women/couples is not uncommon and I know I'm not alone, but I need to just deal in the way I know how and that feels right for me.

I'm hoping once I get my monthly cycle it will trigger something in my brain that will allow me to not be upset or angry or ask why me anymore.Once I get my cycle we just have to wait till the next one before we can try again, I think it will give me something to look forward to, I'm also hoping it will give me some sort of freedom from my own thoughts, I feel stuck at this point.

Week one after D and C

So this week has been full of ups and downs. Since the d and c I was just recently able to stop bleeding! Honestly I consider that a miracle!! I really didnt know if that would ever happen. My hormones seem to be a little out of whack. For the most part I feel ok, but there are times I still want to break down in tears. I'm trying to think about the future and our next FET, but getting reminders on my cell phone that I would have been 7 weeks, just brings it all back. Needless to say, I got rid of that app!

I had more blood work today and my HCG level has dropped to 20. They would like to see me next week for an ultrasound, and some more blood work. We were also supposed to find out about the pathology report next week, but we learned that I didn't have enough tissue to be sent off so that wont be happening. When we were told that we would have a pathology report, in a weird way I was looking forward to knowing if things were normal or not. Now I just have to have faith that everything is OK. March can not come soon enough! Also my next cycle can not come soon enough, I will be able to tell when we can do our FET just by my next cycle!! I really feel like I'm in limbo at this point. So here's to trying to just get through the next few weeks until I have some more answers!

Our Journey to Needing Help With Our Fertility

My husband and I have been together since 2000. We knew almost instantly that we were going to be together forever! We met online. Talked every single day, about every topic we could think of and we met in person a few months after first talking to each other. We decided very early on that we wanted to have at least 4 children, and we knew once we got married (2002) that we would not use anything to prevent a pregnancy. Years and years went by with out even a slight chance of being pregnant. Every month I got my cycle on schedule. It wasn't until I was 22-23, that we really were wondering why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. At that point, I made an appointment with a gynecologist and started seeing him on a regular basis. This doctor wanted to keep putting me on birth control because I had what the he called "functional cysts." I was also sent for ultrasounds to check the status of these cysts. After 9 months of seeing this doctor and no real progress being made, I knew it was time to seek out another gynecologist for another opinion. A little while later I Found another gynecologist and the first thing he wanted to do was the same thing, put me on birth control. I told him I did not want to do that because of my past experience. He then said I could go in for a laparoscopy, where he would look inside to see if i had any blockages or anything obvious as to why we weren't getting pregnant. I opted for this procedure. He did find that I had a moderate case of endometriosis and he had to disconnect my uterus from my colon.

After healing from the procedure, and returning back to the office for more advice on what to do, the doctor recommended us doing a test to see how my body reacts to sperm. We had to have our "fun time" an hour before the appointment and then they went in and took a sample of what was in my uterus. We were told that everything was fine. My husband had normal sperm and good motility and they didn't understand why we weren't pregnant. At this point we were very frustrated and didn't know what to do next. We had no idea fertility clinics even existed. We ended up moving to another state, we had no medical insurance, so we did not pursue this for another few years while we got ourselves together. We ended up moving back to our home state and my husband jumped from one job to another to another and finally ended up after 4 years of settling at a great job with fantastic benefits. This company was exactly what he had been looking for. They are very good about letting go do your medical needs and still finish out your shift when you get done. My husband has never had to miss one fertility appointment, and I am so thankful for that! I love having him with me and sometimes its nice to have a second set of ears when being told the information. Plus we are in this together. There is no reason I should have to do all of this by myself.

Once my husband was at this new company for 90 days they gave him his medical benefits. We looked through the booklet to see what they offered and we saw fertility testing and If we wanted to do and IUI, the meds and the procedures were all covered. We thought we hit the lottery!! We scheduled our first appointment with them and discussed our past with fertility and everything and let them know what we wanted to do and off we went. I ordered the medications they wanted me on and I thought we would be doing this in no time at all. At the same time, my husband went for his testing to make sure he was ok and not thinking at all that there was a problem, we started planning for our future. Well....then we got the news about my husband and off we went to figure out his stuff and we had to put the IUI on hold.

Knowing what we know now, in a way I wish we were able to start earlier with finding out what was going on. I know everyone says that everything happens for a reason, and I'm really starting to believe that. Now that I look back, I know I was not ready to take care of a child before and I know with out a doubt, now I am! I look forward to the next part of this journey. We have so much to be thankful for.

The actual D and C procedure

Today was the actual procedure. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was brought into the bathroom, where I changed into all my surgery gear, and then it was off to the room where the procedure would take place. They gave me a warm blanket to put over me while I waited, which I thought was extremely amazing. It just makes you feel like you aren't totally exposed to the whole world. The nurse came in, put in my IV and went over after care things. She then brought in my husband and we just hung out for about 30 minuets, until the doctor came in for a quick ultrasound to check my status. It was clear on the ultrasound there was still the empty sack left in there and that is why I was bleeding so bad for so long. I was told any tissue found they would send to the pathology to have it tested and analyzed. Once the ultrasound was over we waited for about 10 more minuets for the anesthesiologist and he just asked me a few questions and then it was game time. I remember just a little bit from when I first received the drugs. The flood lights on the wall were coming down and the wall was moving towards me. That is defiantly one odd memory. I mean since when do lights move for no reason and walls attack you?! After that, I remember the nurse saying it was all over and as I woke up I was in excruciating pain. She asked me how my pain was, I couldn't talk at this point, so I held up 8 fingers, for a pain level of 8 out of 10. My husband let her know and she gave me more pain meds, she then left the room and would be back to check on me in 10 minuets. I do also remember crying a lot because of the pain and because it hit me again that our "baby" was gone. I knew before that it was gone, but for some reason right out of anesthesia it smacked me in the face. I am slowly coming to terms with everything, of course it takes time, and I know no one expects me to be OK with this right away. The nurse ended up giving me more pain meds 2 more times. Having my husband there with me, really put me at ease and comforted me through the whole after care. He is absolutely amazing!

Upon returning home I laid down and rested for about 3 hours, ate some dinner and now I'm sitting here typing away. I feel a little weak and slightly light headed, but I know from here on I am on the path to recovery. I'm barely bleeding, which is such a change from the last week, and it feels good! The clinic did call me to see how I was doing and to give me my HCG numbers from yesterday, I'm down to 205.7. I will go back next week for another blood test, they need to follow me down to under 2.5 I think she said. On the 17th will be my post op appointment with more blood work.

For now I just hang out and try to get better, clear my mind, and come to terms with everything that has happened. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes much better from here on out. The doctor that did my procedure today said to us that he will get us to our dream he promises. Now, I know he can't really promise that, but how amazing it is to have a doctor who's invested in this just as much as we are.

D and C

Today was our doctor's appointment to find out what we needed to do next. Whether it be a D and C or just let me bleed it out. Well....It was decided I needed a D and C. So now that is scheduled for 1/4/13 at noon. YUCK! I'm so scared! I feel that this is so unfair. We waited for so long to get pregnant and now we lost both the "babies" and now I have to go through a d and c. Honestly it feels like what else is in store for me because I havent been beat down enough. I really am feeling sorry for myself at this time, but the doctor said at this point and time that is normal. I also went through the "did I do something wrong?" or "could I have stopped this, or prevented this in any way?" I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't meant to be. The embryo was probably not genetically ok, and it never would have functioned "normally." We were told we can try again once I have a normal cycle and to call on day one of my second cycle. I think that will be the beginning of march.

My mom took me out shopping today to try and lift my mood a little and to just spend time with me, which was nice. I did have one break down moment when I saw a woman with a newborn baby, and really I lost it. At that point and time, I thought that should be me soon, and I should not be going through all of this, why her and why not me?! I know I don't know her circumstances, but its really hard to look at people with children and think how lucky they are to have them and how lucky they were to get them so effortlessly. I'm sure its not like that at all, but whenever i look at someone with children I automatically assume they had no issues to get where they were. So many people have problems getting pregnant, its not a multi million dollar business for nothing.

I do have to say that after everything I have been through, I am only going to appreciate my children that much more. I really hope that I do not have to go through this again. I feel sorry for anyone that has ever gone through this or will go through this. It's completely horrible.

Our Misscarriage Story

We found out we were pregnant December 18th around 10pm, it was confirmed with our first beta 12/19 with 107.7 hcg level. We were over the moon excited! We went back for our repeat beta on 12/21. Hcg was now 287. It was amazing to know that everything was going so well!

December 26th started the worst journey of my life. I started spotting so I called my doctor and she wanted to see me right away. She drew my blood and I had an internal ultrasound done. It did not look good at all, there was a blood trail to one of the two embryos that had implanted. The other one was so much smaller then the one that was exiting, they wanted to monitor me closely and told me to come back in 2 days and they put me on 2500iu of hcg every 3 days, My Hcg level that day was 3800. I went home and laid in bed the rest of the day, the bleeding calmed down which made me feel better. Thursday I started passing large amounts of tissue and bleeding heavily, I called the nurse and she told me that didn't sound good. I knew it was all over at that point. I just had a gut instinct.  I went back on that Friday. They drew my blood again and gave me another ultrasound. My hcg level dropped to 2300. They still had hope about the second "baby" so they wanted me to come back on Monday the 28th. On Monday they could see that where the second baby was, there was blood all around its location. We defiantly knew at that point this pregnancy would not last. That day the bleeding just got worse and it stayed that way till the next morning, where I was passing extremely large amounts of tissue and heavily bleeding non stop. Today 1/2/13 as I sit here and tell you my story, I am still suffering the emotional and physical toll a miscarriage takes on a person. We waited for so long to get our miracle, it finally came and then it was ripped away from us! I feel like I did something wrong, even though in the back of my mind I know that I did everything I could. I quit smoking in August, I quit drinking caffeine, I started drinking water (which I hate so much), I took all the medicine I was told to including all my vitamins. I was getting shots every 3 days and I took those like a champ and yet we still lost both of our "babies." I can only hope that the next time we do an FET we will get pregnant and everything will work out. I have to hold on to hope or else I think I might crumble. Hopefully I will have better news in a few weeks or so.