D and C

Today was our doctor's appointment to find out what we needed to do next. Whether it be a D and C or just let me bleed it out. Well....It was decided I needed a D and C. So now that is scheduled for 1/4/13 at noon. YUCK! I'm so scared! I feel that this is so unfair. We waited for so long to get pregnant and now we lost both the "babies" and now I have to go through a d and c. Honestly it feels like what else is in store for me because I havent been beat down enough. I really am feeling sorry for myself at this time, but the doctor said at this point and time that is normal. I also went through the "did I do something wrong?" or "could I have stopped this, or prevented this in any way?" I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't meant to be. The embryo was probably not genetically ok, and it never would have functioned "normally." We were told we can try again once I have a normal cycle and to call on day one of my second cycle. I think that will be the beginning of march.

My mom took me out shopping today to try and lift my mood a little and to just spend time with me, which was nice. I did have one break down moment when I saw a woman with a newborn baby, and really I lost it. At that point and time, I thought that should be me soon, and I should not be going through all of this, why her and why not me?! I know I don't know her circumstances, but its really hard to look at people with children and think how lucky they are to have them and how lucky they were to get them so effortlessly. I'm sure its not like that at all, but whenever i look at someone with children I automatically assume they had no issues to get where they were. So many people have problems getting pregnant, its not a multi million dollar business for nothing.

I do have to say that after everything I have been through, I am only going to appreciate my children that much more. I really hope that I do not have to go through this again. I feel sorry for anyone that has ever gone through this or will go through this. It's completely horrible.